(Editorial) Caring for Sentient Garden Gnomes
Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2025 10:34 pm
This article appears in the 3/23/2025 pressing of The Milkman Syndicate:
Caring for Sentient Garden Gnomes
Have you ever had the creeping suspicion that garden gnomes are secretly watching you, planning to off you in your sleep, and shapeshift to take on human form, just to replace you and live your life for you, fooling your loved ones that they're you? You're not alone.
A study from Cryptids Magazine shows that 69% of all people have suspicions of such scheming from their garden gnomes and 89% of all people everywhere suspect nefarious plans by their garden gnomes as a whole. Further, their study found 95% of all people believe their garden gnomes to have potential for sentience and questionable morals.
What are we to do about such a predicament? I took time to consult two associates from my local Lowe's Home Improvement store for answers. While I also asked others besides the two associates, all refused to answer questioning, while some even threatened to bar me from returning to the store.
Jake, 19 year old Lowe's associate and magic mushroom dealer, had this to say, "The garden gnomes? Oh, ya, I've heard 'em talk about their schemes before. While some of them are just stupid, lifeless garden gnomes, a number of them are definitely interdimensional cosmic beings with power and a will of their own. Are they good or evil? It really depends who you're talking about.
Csarzillara the Wise is a interdimensional being, once worshipped by a cult in ancient Persia as a minor chaos deity, and while it can depend on the day, he's pretty chill most the time. He ain't ever cross a ****a who didn't deserve it. Optilicus of the ninth realm, on the other hand, that dude is bad news. If you trip hard enough to see him, stay clear away. I talked to him one time, and that was easily the worst trip I've ever had."
As well, I took time to talk to [name redacted], assistant manager at Lowe's, state militia member, and alleged schizoid. He had this to say: "You've been hearing them too? I haven't talked about them to anyone before, because I don't want to lose my assistant manager position and also because I don't really socialize with people. But it's good to hear I'm not the only one. Jake in the paint section talks about hearing the gnomes talk, but I really just think he needs to cut down on the 'shrooms. I don't think the gnomes want to do me any harm at all, but they definitely can detect good and evil in people and will exact judgement on them accordingly. However, I'm not too sure how grounded their moral compass is. That may be cause for concern.
If you're worried about them, though, just lock your doors at night and set good boundaries with them. A good garden gnome/spiritual entity should respect your boundaries. If they won't, you shouldn't tolerate it. And I don't like to pull this out on them lightly, but if it comes to it, remind them they're porcelain and you could just as easily break them."
Jake also shared some tips in our time with him, "For real, man, if you have beef with a sentient garden gnome, aka an interdimensional being, or if they tryin' to start somethin', just keep your distance and play it cool. They really just like people in that way. Laying off shrooms for a couple days seems to work too for some reason, though things don't usually get bad enough for me to do that. I don't like to be away for too long at a time. The nasty gnomes can get angry and irrate if I stay away too long, when I do come back.
But truth is I could smash their fragile ***es if it ever came down it. Of course, I'm just talkin' about the ones that ain't cool. Csarzillara the Wise is a real one. I would never."
There you have it: sound advice from the professionals. I hope the information in this article proves as helpful for you as it has been for me. Keeping potentially sentient garden gnomes around your home, near precious children and familly pets, can be a big responsibility, but it doesn't have to be a risky undertaking as a home owner. Remember these tips, and you can keep your home both beautifully adorned with mysterious object-animating interdimensional entities and a safe haven for your loved ones.
***This article was written by Chief Editor of The Milkman Syndicate, The Milkman
Caring for Sentient Garden Gnomes
Have you ever had the creeping suspicion that garden gnomes are secretly watching you, planning to off you in your sleep, and shapeshift to take on human form, just to replace you and live your life for you, fooling your loved ones that they're you? You're not alone.
A study from Cryptids Magazine shows that 69% of all people have suspicions of such scheming from their garden gnomes and 89% of all people everywhere suspect nefarious plans by their garden gnomes as a whole. Further, their study found 95% of all people believe their garden gnomes to have potential for sentience and questionable morals.
What are we to do about such a predicament? I took time to consult two associates from my local Lowe's Home Improvement store for answers. While I also asked others besides the two associates, all refused to answer questioning, while some even threatened to bar me from returning to the store.
Jake, 19 year old Lowe's associate and magic mushroom dealer, had this to say, "The garden gnomes? Oh, ya, I've heard 'em talk about their schemes before. While some of them are just stupid, lifeless garden gnomes, a number of them are definitely interdimensional cosmic beings with power and a will of their own. Are they good or evil? It really depends who you're talking about.
Csarzillara the Wise is a interdimensional being, once worshipped by a cult in ancient Persia as a minor chaos deity, and while it can depend on the day, he's pretty chill most the time. He ain't ever cross a ****a who didn't deserve it. Optilicus of the ninth realm, on the other hand, that dude is bad news. If you trip hard enough to see him, stay clear away. I talked to him one time, and that was easily the worst trip I've ever had."
As well, I took time to talk to [name redacted], assistant manager at Lowe's, state militia member, and alleged schizoid. He had this to say: "You've been hearing them too? I haven't talked about them to anyone before, because I don't want to lose my assistant manager position and also because I don't really socialize with people. But it's good to hear I'm not the only one. Jake in the paint section talks about hearing the gnomes talk, but I really just think he needs to cut down on the 'shrooms. I don't think the gnomes want to do me any harm at all, but they definitely can detect good and evil in people and will exact judgement on them accordingly. However, I'm not too sure how grounded their moral compass is. That may be cause for concern.
If you're worried about them, though, just lock your doors at night and set good boundaries with them. A good garden gnome/spiritual entity should respect your boundaries. If they won't, you shouldn't tolerate it. And I don't like to pull this out on them lightly, but if it comes to it, remind them they're porcelain and you could just as easily break them."
Jake also shared some tips in our time with him, "For real, man, if you have beef with a sentient garden gnome, aka an interdimensional being, or if they tryin' to start somethin', just keep your distance and play it cool. They really just like people in that way. Laying off shrooms for a couple days seems to work too for some reason, though things don't usually get bad enough for me to do that. I don't like to be away for too long at a time. The nasty gnomes can get angry and irrate if I stay away too long, when I do come back.
But truth is I could smash their fragile ***es if it ever came down it. Of course, I'm just talkin' about the ones that ain't cool. Csarzillara the Wise is a real one. I would never."
There you have it: sound advice from the professionals. I hope the information in this article proves as helpful for you as it has been for me. Keeping potentially sentient garden gnomes around your home, near precious children and familly pets, can be a big responsibility, but it doesn't have to be a risky undertaking as a home owner. Remember these tips, and you can keep your home both beautifully adorned with mysterious object-animating interdimensional entities and a safe haven for your loved ones.
***This article was written by Chief Editor of The Milkman Syndicate, The Milkman